Sunday, April 04, 2004

How to be an Idiot

...and get away with it.

I've used about 10 of these just this week...:)

1. When ridiculed for making comments that are deemed senseless, claim you are being criticized for merely voicing your beliefs. Use emotional wording and voice tone to gain sympathy from those who don't see through your bullshit.

2. If attacked by someone who claims you have not seen or read about something you claim to know about, deny. Address their requests for proof with a change of subject or anger for daring to question your honesty.

3. If repeatedly corrected after saying numerous incorrect things pertaining to a certain subject, claim the person notifying you of your errors is an "asshole" or a "loser with no life who can't get laid." Claim you "have a life" and thus didn't have the time to learn things this other person does know. Ignore the fact that your claiming to "having a life" contradicts the fact you took the time to point that out.

4. Engage in debates of creationism and evolution with the belief you are undoubtedly right, meanwhile being sure you'll eventually succeed in projecting your beliefs onto others but failing to realize the pointlessness of the argument. Be sure to either note the person(s) is without faith or without common sense.

5. Believe you are well-informed about world events because you watch the news on TV and/or read the newspaper. Use this to teach those who don't bother attempting to keep track of news events your version of world events to be perceived as a well-informed citizen, possibly even an intellect by their standards.

6. Observe a social situation in which various people offer differing viewpoints on a subject and comment on the fact that "there are many opinionated people here," inferring your surprise over the fact; say it in a nice tone to give them the feeling that you're offering a compliment when in fact you are only envious of their ability to think.

7. Believe things can be "in" or "out" in terms of social popularity, hence helping to make it truth.

8. Base what you perceive to be fact on opinion, not the other way around. If called out on this, say that your perceived fact is actually opinion and deny you ever stated or implied otherwise.

9. If ridiculed for a seemingly annoying action, claim you have a right ("Constitutional" right is even better) to do what you please. Ignore the possibility you are infringing on others rights in the process.

10. If unable to explain a belief you hold or an action you once took, twist the persons words to shift the subject elsewhere. If called out on this, become angered and question the motives of whomever you are speaking to. Say that "everyone is entitled to an opinion" and the person shouldn't try to impose their beliefs on you. Ignore the possibility the refutation of facts may come into play. Claiming this person is an asshole is, as always, a good way out as well.

11. When feeling inclined to comment on a subject others seem to know plenty about but you have little knowledge on, use some popular catchphrase, quote, or cliché to enter the discussion in pseudo-intellectual fashion.

12. If your errors in grammar, spelling, or any misusage of language are pointed out, ridicule the person as being obnoxious and arrogant for insinuating s/he is smarter than you. Conversely, accuse someone who uses "big" words and proper language usage of "being a smartass" or "trying to act clever."

13. Question where someone got their beliefs or how they formulated them. If they offer a source you don't approve of, tell them not to rely on people who "aren't credible." Never consider someone's opinion they claim is self-formulated.

14. If not knowledgeable or skillful in some area, claim it is "pointless" to be. This effectively offers an escape of criticism while at the same time ridiculing others who have a knowledge or interest in some area.

15. Remember that proving yourself right to the majority is more important than doing so to the person questioning your words or actions. Thus, using meaningless catchphrases can make it look like you came off as the "winner" because simplistic comments will be more appealing to the masses than your counterparts potentially intelligent and thoughtful remarks, which may be too complex for most to process in a short period of time. Perception is more powerful than truth.

16. If all else fails, cry. Sympathy supercedes all else.

17. When being evasive during a conversation or confrontation, attribute your evasiveness to not wanting to waste your time speaking to this person. Remove all doubt about this being a lie by continuing the conversation and continually saying "I don't have time for this."

18. Act like you understood this advice by sending this link to your friends while commenting on how "right" I am.
Thanks Iggy...

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